I've had a few people ask my why I've taken this little vow of celibacy, so i guess i'll explain... it's not something new.... it's a little promise I made myself in September.
Above and beyond everything, it's about respect. Respect I have for myself, and Respect that other people have for me.
And yes, it is John who has triggered this all off.
I think that sex confuses a situation. Especially from a females point of view, sex brings in other emotions, over-protectiveness, jealousy, lust etc. These are all emotions that don't particulary render a positive reaction from the opposite sex. In the relationships I've been in, where sex has come before any sort of 'serious relationship' has been established, I've fallen and fallen hard, (only to have my heart broken, time and time again.) It's seemed that they boy's i've been involved with felt the same. And i think i confuse reciprocation of those emotions with perhaps more simply me being their to give them what they want, when ever they want, and getting a pretty cushy ride at the same time with no real intent to stick around for the long haul.
So since John and i ended, I sat back and had a long look at myself, and him, and previous relationships, and i think that i slept with them so quickly, as a way to reel them in. Get them to want me and like me, because my opinion of myself, and self esteem is so low, i felt this was the only way. I don't see myself as being desireable or wanted. I'm just me. Forever the best friend, never the girlfriend. That is why i guess i went out of my way to do everything possible to make john happy... spend $350 on him for a wrestling ticket, buy thousands of dollars worth of stereo gear for him, walk to Robco's at 4am for a hot dog in the middle of winter, spend all day detailing his car..... I could continue the list for ever.... but the point is, no respect was won from him for it all, if there was, it wouldn't have ended the way it has. I was still treated like dirt, hidden away, and expected to be ready for him 24/7, at his beck and call. Relationships do not work like that. Life does not work like that.
Perhaps if I had gotten to know John more before sleeping with him, then I wouldn't have even gone there. But, because we were intimate, I had all of these extra feelings inside my head, confusing the subject. Or perhaps if I had gotten to know John more, we'd be happy and still together, because he would have had to taken the time to get to know the real me to get into my pants.
So this is where the vow comes into play. I am not going to sleep with another person until I am one hundred and 10 percent sure that they RESPECT me, and care for me. Support me & Listen to me. Until I know they love me, and they've shown this in more than just words. So that way, I can be sure I feel the same way, with out all of the emotion's that sex brings in. Sex should be special, shared with some one special. I know this now. If I had my time again, I would change everything.
Making them wait, making me wait, will separate the Mr-Rights from the Mr Right-for-now's. If they respect me, and want me, the relationship will not be purely based around sex, thus doomed for failure from the start. They will wait for me. And hopefully, i'm worth the wait.
SO in other news, I has a nice quiet weekend... on saturday I cooked fried gnocchi for my brother and his girlfriend then sat around watching movies while we dyed & cut his hair.... then had a lazy house cleaning day today....It was nice!
Can't wait to get back to work 2morrow... relaunch of the restaurant on Tuesday, and i'm sure there'll be lot's to do!! yay!
Speaking of work, we had Chippie Dave down on Wednesday, and sat up until 1am with him while he was doing reno's on the restaurant. He is one of the coolest men I know. So fun, and crazy, and retro, and honest, and real, and genuine.... plus, he makes a good conversation partner.... conversation's don't end up being just about him, or just about me.... it's good. Last time he was down we sat talking until the wee hours also, he was the first person I properly spoke to about John & I splitting - and he remembered!! He remembered ost of the conversation... much impressed!
Anyways I'm off to add to my scrap book of Hotel ideas.... I've given myself a goal of having my own place in 18-24 months... fingers crossed eh? I'll hire my brother as my business partner, and Simone as my head front office girl, and Dave as my carpenter... and Mark as my techie! :)