It's been so bloody long since i wrote in this thing... but i thought, seeing as i'm paying for the premium access I may as well bloody use it!
Most of the people I used to read & comment on don't use their livejournals anymore, but it's good to see Ryan ( ouranticipation
) is still around! yay!!!!! His words are always so inspiring.
So what's been happening in the world of Cara since my entry last year?
I got my tonsils out last Friday. it EFFING HURT!!! (still does late at night and early in the AM) however, since i won't have to suffer through tonsilitis ever again, it's worth it in my book.
I have a little dog now.. her name is Ruby and she is a Boston terrier, and the absolute light of my life. I get so much joy watching her play, and knowing that she it totally dependant on me for pretty much everything, it's a really nice thought.
I think i have become a statistic. A single 20 something girl, up to her eyeballs in debt with nothing to show, unhappy with her life and job in general. So that kind of sucks, but i don't really feel like dwelling on it. Basically what it comes down to is that I have made some really, REALLY stupid decisions in my younger years, and i'm paying for it now, and the only person who can help me, is me. it's no good me sitting around waiting to be saved, because it's just not going to happen, it's something I have to do for myself.
So i am still single, and it is by choice. In fact it's been about 18 months since I last had sex - also by choice. I'm not interested in being someone's piece of ass. I don't want to be a number in someone's mobile phone that they can just dial for a good time. Fuck it, i want to be respected, needed, wanted and admired and loved. I used to be such a flighty little girl. I really was a child, so hung up on Gardie, and making sure that I put out to keep him interested and around that I really degraded myself. God, if I could go back and re-do things there would be so much I would change. I didn't realize how bad I was until I went back through reading old livejournal entries, looking for my first point of contact with sheepies
Speaking of Andrew, I had a really nice conversation with him the other day. I was feeling an inch from despair and tears. For no particular reason, I was just feeling bad. He was the first person I thought to turn to, even tho it had been months since we last spoke. He's the kind of person who makes you smile from the inside out. A really warm, meaningful smile. He is one of the best people I know. Why does he have to live so damn far away? After the conversation I got to thinking and wondering exactly how long it'd been since we first "met", so I went riffling through old livejournal entries to find it. February 14th 2003. 4 years ago. We sat up all night chatting on MSN, very deep meaningful conversation too from what I remember. He's such a special person.
I get scared at times. Scared that I am getting old and running out of time. That I will be old and alone before I know it. And that's a huge fear of mine. I want a husband, and 3 little kiddies, and the house with a white picket fence. Some mornings I wake up, and I have this odd feeling in me. It's telling me that if today, all I had to do was pack some lunches, send my kiddies off to school, makes the beds, do the washing, cook dinner, and then help the kiddies with their homework when they get home, put them to bed and snuggle with my man, then i would be perfectly fulfilled. Is that a maternal instinct calling or what? I just need to be patient I guess.
I had my first proper encounter with death in November. My Nan died. There is not a day go by when i don't think of her, and miss her. I actually ache for her sometimes. I kick myself for not going to see her one more time before she passed. But i take comfort in knowing that the last thing I ever said to her, and she to me was I love you. In a text message of all things! My nan was a 70year old texter. I've missed her a lot since i've been recovering from getting the tonsils out. When i got sick in June last year, she picked me up from work, and took me to the docs, and then back to her house to nurse me back to health. It was lovely. I never felt more loved. she'd sneak in at night when i was all feverish with a cup of tea and change over my hot watter bottle. There was so much love in my Nan, if i could be half the person she was, i'd be a great person.
Since I had my tonsils out, I've had a lot of time, by myself just to think. And of the many things i thought about and decided on, one thing that i would like to share with you is this.
I'm effing done with John. He might mean well, and he might think that he values me and respects me, but what he can offer me, and what I want, are two different things, and I don't need to drag myself through all of that emotional stuff again only to get my heart broken again. I can't bare the thought of emotionally separating myself from him, that's going to be the hard part. He was the first person I ever loved properly, i'm not talking about the puppylove infactuation I documented so well through out this livejournal, but the physical love full of aches and butterflies and tingles. And the emotional love full of joy and anger and confusion. That love. The one that keeps you awake at night with anticipation. The one that is with you everywhere you go, everyday you wake up. The annoying love that is so damn hard to let go of.
The letting go is going to hurt, but i need to do it. To move on once and for all. And i'm pretty sure that means that the friendship we've been resurrecting over the last year and a bit has to go too.
Woah so that's a nice big, long catch up entry form me. That should bring all of my non-exsistent readers up to speed. I'm going to go and find a client or something so i can update more frequently. I think I need a new outlet.