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June 11th, 2008

-{help me}-

June 2nd, 2008

08:02 pm - One of the reasons why I don't want to waitress anymore. God, I am so angry. I'm here at work - minding the restaurant & reception. There is this guy in there, who is such a bloody dementor - it's nearly making me cry. He is so rude and arrogant when he speaks to me, yet chatting as nice as pie to another guest in the restaurant. ARGH. Sir, I am sorry your steak was over cooked, I did offer to replace it or get you a complimentary drink, but you refused. I'm sorry you think the menu is over priced and the selection shit. I have not forced you through the doors, and I see you have a company credit card, so you could have gone to any of the local pubs and found something more to your tastes. There isn't much more I can do. I am sorry you think that waitresses are not worth a few seconds of your day, but that is no reason to mumble your responses and scowl at me. I am a human, just like you. I am an intelligent human, who, yes, should be concentrating her efforts else where, but unfortuantley for the time being is stuck behind a desk & bar looking after you. The very least you can do is help make the process a plesant one for both of us. Current Location: Work Current Mood: angry Current Music: Something in the way - Jazzyfatnastees

-{help me}-

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May 3rd, 2008

12:37 am - Yay! I just sneezed for the first time in 14 days! It was the best! Haha! Now if i could only yawn properly... Current Mood: excited

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April 30th, 2008

12:18 am - Yawning It's strange how you don't realise how much you miss something until it's gone. I haven't sneezed or yawned since i had my tonsils out on the 18th. It's weird. I really want to let rip with a huge yawn, but i can't, it HURTS. Yawning is actually quite enjoyable. it's a release. I'm off to bed shortly, going out for lunch with Michelle tomorrow, i'm really looking forward to it, it's been a while since we caught up, and i'm looking forward to playing with Maddi. This american spell checker embedded into Firefox or livejournal is really annoying. Here in Australia we don't spell realise with a Z it's an s. The same goes for almost all the "ise" words. Apologise, mesmerise, etc.  American's even spell colour wrong. it's C-O-L-O-U-R. not C-O-L-O-R. I even remember a lesson in school... I would have been about 5 or 6 and the teacher was teaching us how to spell colour, and all about the primary and secondary colours, and she told us that sometimes we would see it spelt Color, but it's wrong, it's how they do it in America, but not here. I never took the spelling on Sesame Street seriously after that!! I'm going to completey re-do carcar.org. Idea's on colours? Current Location: The Flat Current Mood: sore Current Music: Ruby Snoring

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April 28th, 2008

11:05 pm - Some pics of Ruby, just for Ryan This is Ruby on her first day home. It was a long one for her, a 2hr flight, then a 4 hour drive! Doing her favourite thing, sleeping A few months later . we were out in the garden together... that's when her right ear decided to be lazy, and was always folded back. Playing with her favourite toy - Snake Being a good girl for the camera, and posing for Mark This is her in the shower. It's her fave place to play... When ever she goes missing, this is where i find her... This was the look she gave me when  I sat her down and told her that the easter bunny wasn't real... and that's just a few of the hundreds of pics i have taken of the little one! Current Location: The Flat Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Ten Late Night News

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02:46 pm - Woah.... weird So, i've had a nice lazy morning... woke up, watched Sixteen Candles, drooled over a young John Cusack for a bit, then decided to make some muffins.. Cheesy Pizza muffins. I'm sitting here at the PC and my word they smell so nice.. The reason for this post is to share how miffed I am at this: Above Top Secret It's a web site that I spend a lot of time reading and lurking on, and this particular thread about odd pictures appearing on a fridge has blown my mind. Who is Ashley, why is she copying Mellisa, is Mellisa really gone, or is Ashley another personality of Mellisa? Who are Ax and Rory? When was Ashley planning on unveiling the other pics found by the ATS members?  Weird stuff, but I totally dig it! Current Location: THe Flat Current Mood: productive Current Music: Ready, Steady, Cook!

-{4 people have helped | help me}-

01:14 am - God, it's been so long.... It's been so bloody long since i wrote in this thing... but i thought, seeing as i'm paying for the premium access I may as well bloody use it! Most of the people I used to read & comment on don't use their livejournals anymore, but it's good to see Ryan ( ouranticipation) is still around! yay!!!!! His words are always so inspiring. So what's been happening in the world of Cara since my entry last year? I got my tonsils out last Friday. it EFFING HURT!!!  (still does late at night and early in the AM) however, since i won't have to suffer through tonsilitis ever again, it's worth it in my book. I have a little dog now.. her name is Ruby and she is a Boston terrier, and the absolute light of my life. I get so much joy watching her play, and knowing that she it totally dependant on me for pretty much everything, it's a really nice thought. I think i have become a statistic. A single 20 something girl, up to her eyeballs in debt with nothing to show, unhappy with her life and job in general. So that kind of sucks, but i don't really feel like dwelling on it. Basically what it comes down to is that I have made some really, REALLY stupid decisions in my younger years, and i'm paying for it now, and the only person who can help me, is me. it's no good me sitting around waiting to be saved, because it's just not going to happen, it's something I have to do for myself. So i am still single, and it is by choice. In fact it's been about 18 months since I last had sex - also by choice. I'm not interested in being someone's piece of ass. I don't want to be a number in someone's mobile phone that they can just dial for a good time. Fuck it, i want to be respected, needed, wanted and admired and loved. I used to be such a flighty little girl. I really was a child, so hung up on Gardie, and making sure that I put out to keep him interested and around that I really degraded myself. God, if I could go back and re-do things there would be so much I would change. I didn't realize how bad I was until I went back through reading old livejournal entries, looking for my first point of contact with sheepies Speaking of Andrew, I had a really nice conversation with him the other day. I was feeling an inch from despair and tears. For no particular reason, I was just feeling bad. He was the first person I thought to turn to, even tho it had been months since we last spoke. He's the kind of person who makes you smile from the inside out. A really warm, meaningful smile. He is one of the best people I know. Why does he have to live so damn far away? After the conversation I got to thinking and wondering exactly how long it'd been since we first "met", so I went riffling through old livejournal entries to find it. February 14th 2003. 4 years ago. We sat up all night chatting on MSN, very deep meaningful conversation too from what I remember. He's such a special person. I get scared at times. Scared that I am getting old and running out of time. That I will be old and alone before I know it. And that's a huge fear of mine. I want a husband, and 3 little kiddies, and the house with a white picket fence. Some mornings I wake up, and I have this odd feeling in me. It's telling me that if today, all I had to do was pack some lunches, send my kiddies off to school, makes the beds, do the washing, cook dinner, and then help the kiddies with their homework when they get home, put them to bed and snuggle with my man, then i would be perfectly fulfilled. Is that a maternal instinct calling or what? I just need to be patient I guess. I had my first proper encounter with death in November. My Nan died. There is not a day go by when i don't think of her, and miss her. I actually ache for her sometimes. I kick myself for not going to see her one more time before she passed. But i take comfort in knowing that the last thing I ever said to her, and she to me was I love you. In a text message of all things! My nan was a 70year old texter. I've missed her a lot since i've been recovering from getting the tonsils out. When i got sick in June last year, she picked me up from work, and took me to the docs, and then back to her house to nurse me back to health. It was lovely. I never felt more loved. she'd sneak in at night when i was all feverish with a cup of tea and change over my hot watter bottle. There was so much love in my Nan, if i could be half the person she was, i'd be a great person. Since I had my tonsils out, I've had a lot of time, by myself just to think. And of the many things i thought about and decided on, one thing that i would like to share with you is this. I'm effing done with John. He might mean well, and he might think that he values me and respects me, but what he can offer me, and what I want, are two different things, and I don't need to drag myself through all of that emotional stuff again only to get my heart broken again. I can't bare the thought of emotionally separating myself from him, that's going to be the hard part. He was the first person I ever loved properly, i'm not talking about the puppylove infactuation I documented so well through out this livejournal, but the physical love full of aches and butterflies and tingles. And the emotional love full of joy and anger and confusion. That love. The one that keeps you awake at night with anticipation. The one that is with you everywhere you go, everyday you wake up. The annoying love that is so damn hard to let go of. The letting go is going to hurt, but i need to do it. To move on once and for all. And i'm pretty sure that means that the friendship we've been resurrecting over the last year and a bit has to go too. Woah so that's a nice big, long catch up entry form me. That should bring all of my non-exsistent readers up to speed. I'm going to go and find a client or something so i can update more frequently. I think I need a new outlet. Current Location: The Flat - Still (coming upto 3 years!!) Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Nothing. Just the rain on the roof

-{1 person has helped | help me}-

May 19th, 2007

12:48 am - An update to the old things i need to do before i die list..... .....strange how one's priorities change. (these weren't listed in any particular order! [1] to get to the UK [2] to shake hands with lisa lashes and nick skitz [3] to get my work published **DONE** i went to the Prince Albert (i think) with John & Ash after Earthcore [4] to go to a *real* club [5] find a nice fella and settle down in a few years [6] to raise my kids with the best self image possible ** DONE ** i was doing the advanced work out a few months ago... well proud of myself. [7] to do yoga like the chick in the advanced section on my dvd ** DONE ** kinda, tho i'm still learning...[8] to learn how to do kick ass things with html other than how to stick the odd hyperlink in and all that sorta shite [9] to get my license [10] go sky diving [11] read the bible back to front [12] learn how 2 dj at a level better than crossy **IN PROGRESS**  [13] tell certain people exactly how i feel bout them [14] to own/promote a kick ass nightclub [15] work in management in at least one 5 star hotel (note: i'm working in management in a 4 star hotel!) ** DONE ** however, it was a real let down compared to the book [16] to watch "the stand" **DONE** [17] tell my dad i love him ** DONE ** i don't lie to myself about how relationships really are etc anymore...[18] be more honest to myself about how i feel, and how i really am ** DONE ** 19] to continue to be trysexual... ie try anything once [20] go bungee jumping **CHANGED** I just want a car that is roadworthy! [21] to build an amazing 302 pug with an SPL stereo (note need ash's help) ** DONE ** :) [22] to make up with damo [23] make a name for myself by doing something cool [24] to go off the rope swing at nigretta again [25] to be in two places at the one time **DONE**[26] to learn that i don't have to be the strong one all the time.. that there are people out there i can turn to, i just gotta look for them [27] to learn to trust [28] to do a home made slasher flick for laughs [29] to watch the sun rise in the arms of some one special [30] to get a tatoo ** DONE ** through this and my private journal, i have a wicked record of me [31] to keep a diary of everything going on in my life [32] to jam with cody and finally put music to go on and personal [33] to finish my "places to have sex" list [34] fly experience at least 5 foriegn countries and eat their food [35] to cook a perfect sponge cake [36] to see robbie williams in concert ** DONE ** inebriated, and copius, and more 2 follow [37] learn some new big words **DONE** John helped me with this[38] to learn how to not be scared of my feelings ** DONE ** serveral times... i'm still learning. [39] to watch A Walk To Rememeber again, and see what i can learn from it... [40] to never forget my friends ** DONE ** Red cross and the Austrlaian Conservation Society... the ACS get $20 off me a month! & the RSL art union raflles [41] to support a different charity each year [42] never forget who i met on the way up because i'll meet them on the way down again [43] to know that when my time comes, i can die knowing i lived each day to the most and did everything i could to ensure i was happy. happy for myself and happy for others [44] to put others needs first ** DONE ** it's not a hard thing to do [45] to make one person smile each day [46] see snow and build a snow man [47] conquer my fear of being fully submerged in water [48] over come some intimacy issues i have **DONE** The wonders of modern technology [49] establish and maintain contact wif Rikii n Sherryn again [50] make a significant and permanent difference to at least on person in this world. ** DONE - almost** i've had black, white and green.. still must try red, orange and the coffee looking one [51] try every flavour of sambucca [52] visit egypt and see the stars for myself [53} go back to the house where my dad grew up and visit the McRae Castle [54] try not 2 be scared of balls... so that way i mite be good at tenis or soccer [55] expereince as many people and situations as i can before i'm married with kids [56] have my own house by the time i'm 27 [57] to be working in the UK or major city in Australia by the time i'm 30 [58] meet some one from BB [59] shake either Shane West, Elton John, Robbie Williams or Ben Adam's hand and thank them for the music/inspiration **SO CLOSE** Do macro's in excel count? [60] learn to program **DONE** I know who i am, what i want and how to get it. [61] to wake up one day, and have everything *click* [62] to become part of the Atom Plus hotel empire [63] to learn how to scuba dive [64] have a naughty glamour photo shoot [65] make a million dollars [66] repaint my flat and get new curtains [67] meet nick black [68] forgive, forget and reconnect with John [69] finish the mammoth EOD workbook with Tom [70] get myself in shape. for real this time [71] refine my poker playing skills [72] build my childhood favourites DVD collection [73] buy a 52" plasma tv [74] buy a pair of sexy black boots [75] visit the greek isles [76] go to at least one wrestlemania before the retirement of Shawn Michaels [77] MEET shawn Michaels [78] Beat John at Smackdown VS Raw 07 [79] con mick into buying ME lunch on a Sunday afternoon Current Location: the flat Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Nick Black - Beside You

-{help me}-

May 3rd, 2007

10:32 pm - what to write ?? This entry comes straight from my personal journal. "...So... Everything is going really well. Work is amazing, infact i couldn't ask for it to be better. Tom & Amelia are the most supportive bosses i've ever had. They have so much faith in me, it is almost hard for me to fathom. However I keep going the way i am. I keep working hard and putting in 100% and i guess things will go well. Tom's been involving me heavily in budgeting & setting up reports and everything & he keeps reminding me that this is 100% relevant to me when i have my own business. One thing that is so motivating is that when they talk to me about being a millionare or business owner they don't talk in "if's" but "when's". They have promised to give me the tools to reach these goals. It is amazing. Under their guideance i feel like i can take on the world... and win! I am concentrating on sorting myself out at the moment. My house is almost completely how i want it, save my bedroom, but that is almost there. I'm working on losing a bit of weight & toning up my thighs and belly & ass. As a result of losing the weight i have already, my boobs are disappearing, (AAAAARRRRGGHHH) but i am working on reversing that.  ;-) I am also focusing on staying single. I guess i don't need that distraction right now. I'm so happy with myself as a person at the moment. My self confidence has trippled since my time with John. My commitment and focus on work & my career has never been stronger. I just need my license now, which will come in due time. (soon!)  Speaking of John, i've seen him a couple of times. 2 weeks ago he actually came over and we had a few drinks and caught up. It was GREAT!!!!!! He has and he hasn't changed so much. It made me re-realise how much a have missed him and his company. Hopefully it won't be the last time i see him. I really want us to be friends with him again. more than anything else in the world. I hate the fact that he is  (still) one of the few people in the world that i would do anything for. Signing off and into bed. Early start in the morning. <3 Cara xxx ..." Current Location: The Flat Current Mood: content Current Music: Nick Black - Beside You

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March 4th, 2007

09:12 pm - eeeekkkk Argh... long time no update.. Been so busy working, and still enjoying it, so it's all good! However, that also makes me incredibly boring as nothing much else has been happening. The soul searching has been continuing... and i've made a few realisations about who i am etc. THe results are all good tho. Some credit has to go to a smart young man, who recently told me that broken hearts don't mend all by themselves, they sometimes need someone to hold them together for a little while... and that's where my friends come in i guess :) I heard this song on [V] today.. and thought i'd share. It's nice :) Invalid video URL. lyrics - paula deanda Current Mood: okay Current Music: Boytown DVD

-{help me}-

February 4th, 2007

08:23 pm - i'm average... I suppose!! according to the chart in the herald sun today, compared to most average females, i'm doing quite well!! I'm 16cm taller than the average. 8kg heavier. 12cm smaller in the hips. 12.5cm smaller in the waist. 4.5 smaller in the bust. I'm pretty bloody happy! haha! In other news.. I went out last night, and it was a waste of $120 and 7hrs of my time. I hate this thing they call a night life in Hamilton. You can't go out to have a good time with out being molested by people too drunk to even speak. It's so sleazy the way they come up behind you and start rubbing themselves on your arse and thigh... and the words, "don't go away." or "fuck off" don't seem to register. Oh well. Things will change i guess. For the better :) Current Location: the flat Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: lost voyage

-{help me}-

January 29th, 2007

06:28 pm - a milestone.... Well, today, my position as Front Office Manager became official with the (surprise) arrival of my own business cards!! Wooo!! I was -am- so excited. I suppose it goes to show how mush hard work and dedication pays off... next step... who knows! move on forwards and upwards with Amelia & Tom or maybe venture out on my own, (with their full support i'm sure).. I won't have my own place for a little while at least.. but when i do... :) just so excited! lol Current Location: the flat Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

-{help me}-

January 27th, 2007

11:00 am - oh man... Hands down the best book I have read in a long long time. Marley & Me by John Grogan. If you have a dog, or have lost a dog or are even thinking of getting a dog, please please do yourself a favour, and read it!! I have never laughed so hard, or cried so much while reading a book.. It details life with a crazy golden lab... from the bliss before a dog entered the newley weds life, to bringing him home, to discovering he is nuts, through miscarriage, through childbirth, moving, getting old, and eventually having to make the heart breaking decision to put him to sleep. So many of the stories ring true. And the overall theme of a dogs 100% loyal, faithful & unconditional companionship through good times and terrible served as such a fantastic reminder of my baby, Tammy a 13 year old black lab... Faithful companion since i was 11... now i'm 23 and she's showing the signs of age. She's seen me through so. bloody. much. and one thing i could always count on, was that she's always up for a cuddle or a play or a talk when no one else is. The day i get that phone call from mum and dad is a day i dread more than anything else. Seriously, read the book. it'll change you, i'm serious. Current Location: The Flat Current Mood: touched Current Music: Nothing.

-{help me}-

12:53 am - ahhh alas, another survey!!! TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey Name: Cara Birthday: 9th September 1983 Birthplace: Hamilton, Vic Current Location: The Flat, Hamilton, Vic Eye Color: Greeny Bluey sometimes brownish :) Hair Color: Mid brown with gold/blonde highlights Height: 5'11'' Right Handed or Left Handed: Righty Your Heritage: Dad's English, Mum originates from Ireland The Shoes You Wore Today: none... oh no i lie.. black ballet flats Your Weakness: puppy dog eyes... Your Fears: being alone. Your Perfect Pizza: Ohhhh hot salami, cheese, ham, bacon, tomato paste & a bit of garlic... Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: My license! hahahaha!! Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: LOL! Thoughts First Waking Up: "no wakey. snooze time." Your Best Physical Feature: Ahhhh eyes? Hair? Personality? I don't know! Your Bedtime: During the week 9:30-10:30pm... weekends any time i feel like it! Your Most Missed Memory: Ummm pinky's parties? times at the go kart track? early morning romps with John? Pepsi or Coke: Ohh Pepsi :) MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King for sure!! Single or Group Dates: Single I think... I get a bit shy around large groups of people. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: No, just ordinary Bushells tea for me, none of that iced crap. Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla. Vanilla everything! Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino? Nah, Latte or flat white for me. I'm not keen on lashings of froth. Do you Smoke: Nope Do you Swear: Yes... sometimes too much Do you Sing: Yes, in the shower! Do you Shower Daily: Of course! Have you Been in Love: Yes Do you want to go to College: No, not really... a little part of me wants to go for the experience, but i'm happy doing what i'm doing! Do you want to get Married: Of course I do, one day. Do you belive in yourself: Most of the time. Do you get Motion Sickness: No, not really anymore... the shortest car trips used to make me feel so sick when i was younger tho. Do you think you are Attractive: Hell no! lol. I guess i scrub up ok. Are you a Health Freak: Umm, about one day a week I am! Do you get along with your Parents: Yeah, I do actually, especially since I left home. Do you like Thunderstorms: I LOVE thunderstorms. Do you play an Instrument: Yep, I play the cello, & dabble in keyboard. In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes... NYE baby! In the past month have you Smoked: No In the past month have you been on Drugs: No... In the past month have you gone on a Date: No....... In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Umm, does Hamilton Central count? lol In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Nope In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No... One thing i miss about John is our sushi lunches... In the past month have you been on Stage: Nope... In the past month have you been Dumped: Nope, not in the last month In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No... never done it! In the past month have you Stolen Anything: No I haven't. Ever been Drunk: Is this a trick question? Ever been called a Tease: Yes..... Ever been Beaten up: nope... yes! John used to hit me. Never to seriously tho. Ever Shoplifted: Nope How do you want to Die: Nicely. What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Happy more then anything... What country would you most like to Visit: England.. or Italy. Any of Europe. In a Boy/Girl.. Favourite Eye Color: In a boy? Blue. Favourite Hair Color: Brown/dirty blonde Short or Long Hair: As long as his hair isn't longer than mine, it's ok :) Height: 5'10'' or taller... Weight: Doesn't really matter.. Best Clothing Style: Gosh, i don't know... As long as he's not in Check shirts & cowboy boots anything is ok! Number of Drugs I have taken: Only tried ICE really... Number of CDs I own: TOO MANY to count.. Number of Piercings: just my ears.. Number of Tattoos: none.. Number of things in my Past I Regret: Ummm one or two. CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS! Current Location: The Flat Current Mood: silly Current Music: CKY Doco

-{help me}-

January 23rd, 2007

07:45 pm - a quiz stolen from naif @ mypace... Questions I Guarantee You've Never Answered. 1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Umm I kissed Mark on the cheek @ new year.... and I guess I'd kiss him on the cheek again 2. What song describes your relationship status? Falling - Staind....... "Falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem..."  heh nail on the head. lol. 3. How much does your dog weigh? Something like 27kg... she got weighed the other day at the Vet. Beautiful Lab. 4. Have you ever been in love? Yeah, i fell hard. 5.Ever waxed your legs? Yep, and other parts! ;) 6. Earrings or necklaces? I wear sapphire earrings (my birthstone)... and a gold/white gold necklace on occasion, so both! :) 7. Who have you talked to most today? Ohhh hard one. Probably Amelia actually... or Chef. 10. Color of your shirt? It's my white work shirt today 11. How many years have you taken a language? I did Italian for 3 years.... Ciao mi chiamo Cara, e tu? Come stai? So molto bene grazie. 12. Who's on speed dial at #1? The Haymarket on the work Fax, Tom on the work phone and Voicemail on my mobile. 13. What color is your background on your computer mainly? Black. :) 14. Do you wish on 11:11? No, but I might. 15. Good advice if you ever go camping?   Double check you've bought tent pegs, because Mark & Nathan aren't gonna be there every time with a bag of spares. 16. Are you a bad influence? Maybe once upon a time... when I was 19. 17. What color are your eyes? Ummm Blue with green flecks? I'm not sure. 18. Would you rather have your name or your siblings name? Mine actually. 19. Would you do anything for someone? Yeah. Friends & Family are number one. Work comes a close second.  20. Have you ever been called a whore? Not seriously! 21. favorite color(s)? Black, Deep purple & chocolate brown... with bits of orange, green & red. 22. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? Yes... too much. & in text messages too. 23. What song is on? PANIC! at the disco - the only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage.... 24. Are your grades good? yep... I got an enter of 91.2 25. Do you have any friends with benefits? No.. I've given up that game. 27. Does your best friend have a myspace? No. I don't have a best friend. 28. Who's page did you last visit? Myspace page? Naife's to steal this survey! 29. Last time you went out to lunch? Saturday with Renee to the Central 30. Do you watch the Gilmore Girls? Arrrr no! 31. Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson? Umm he's ok. 32. Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.? I've never really been able to get into the O.C. 33. Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.s No, just her first one. 34. Which radio stations are your favorites? 88.9 Mixx FM - yeah! lol. 35. Are you a Lost fanatic? Once again, not really. 37. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library? No surprisingly. 38. Alanis Morrisette? No. 39. Do you watch Family Guy regularly? I've got some eps on the computer actually :) 40. King of the Hill? When I catch it on TV late at night I'll watch it. 41. Do you read trashy romance novels often? Nah. More into gruesome murder mystery based on fact. 42. Do you ever forget to give a Christmas/birthday present? Yeah. But I make up for it big time. 43. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car? No, I do in the shower! John used to be terrible for singing loudly and terribly. I'd get told off if i tried to join in! 44. Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home? Ahh I answered this one above! Yes, I sing everywhere really. 45. Have you ever watched a little kid's show when you were over 12? Hell yeah! I love the ABC during school holidays! [[The Necessary Love Questions That Aren't So Necessary]] 46. Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they weren't? I guess so. I've acted out conversation upon conversation in my head and vocally. 47. Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in elementary school? No, didn't quite go that far... unless you count drawing cars with Johnny D and Adam in the back of math when we were supposed to be doing work. 48. Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didn't ask her/him out because you were afraid? Yeah. Comes with low self confidence/esteem... 49. Have you ever written a poem or story about your life? Yeah... I have notebooks full of poems and starts of stories. One day I'll publish. 50. Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but your crush? Yes..... 51. Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance? No actually. I've felt attracted to people purely based on looks, but for me to really like someone, I've got to know who they are. [[The Questions You Love:Completely and Utterly Pointless Ones]] 52. Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis? No. Well, i try to.. I usually eat too much of the bread & sugary foods one! lol! 53. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization? Yes, at work. And when i bring that mood home, I get to be a neat freak at home too. 54.Have you ever been out of the country? Not yet... plan to one day. 55. Do you know how to knit? I haven't knit in a loooooong time. 56. Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover? No... just a sexy black W810i 57.Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them in your profile? No.... but I should! 58.Do you keep a diary or journal online? I have this blog.... 59.When you open your closet, what is the dominant color? Black. but I'm not emo or goth! Current Location: still the flat Current Mood: grumpy Current Music: Pendulum - Sounds of Life

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06:49 pm - intelligent word.. run away now! I had something really intelligent and significant to say, but it's clear left my mind. I've got my plan sorted now. In the next month.... I'm going to work really hard on my fitness & obey my diet...  OBEY OBEY OBEY!!! Make sure my hair looks extra spanky buy some new clothes & shoes get my license and drive down to port mac, & pay John a surprise visit..... and show him who he's missing out on. :) lol are so obsessed. gotta get over it. Going to have another quiet weekend.Might kidnap brother & his girlie for vids one night, and renee another. Or i might even paint my flat... maybe. Lost the cap on my tooth today... no new patients until June at one dentist, September at the other & no patients who aren't on government benefits at the other! Thank God for the one in Alexander parade... on the waiting list there, hopefully won't be too long, it hurts! lol (apart from the fact it looks God awful! lol Speaking of God, it's struck me recently how religious i actually am. I'm not religious in the praise the Lord every Sunday at mass kind of thing, but i pray, in my own time, often. And i suppose i have a very strong belief on God, and a higher power, helping us out, and showing us the way. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and although  there are some fucked up reasons out  there, it's all part of God's bigger plan for us.  I have faith.  A  lot of faith. And i firmly believe that in times like what I've been through recently, I wouldn't have come through the other side if it wasn't for the faith and trust i have in that higher power..... any way... fish cakes and vege for tea. YUM Current Location: the flat.... where else? Current Mood: blah Current Music: nowt... just the fridge humming

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January 22nd, 2007

07:06 pm - sex in a saucepan ohhhhhhh Boil some gnocchi & let cool... saute some bacon & mushrooms... add a packet of masterfoods mushroom finishing sauce & simmer over a low heat.. fry off gnocchi's in garlic butter until crispy pour over sauce... YUM. who needs sex? lol Current Location: the flat Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: futurama on TV

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January 21st, 2007

03:15 pm - Soooooooo Big Week. Huge week. Fun Week. Restaurant re-opened on Wednesday, to rave reviews and awesome steaks! lol! I have to say, the place looked unreal... this deep purple, orange and dark red, with dark polished red highlights, tea light candles, red drop lights and polished silver cutlery on white serviettes. Mmmmm. Not even I can wait to eat there. Things are really looking up at work. Can't really say much, as nothing is signed sealed or delivered yet.. buy hey, watch this space! lol. I had a very lonely night last night. I hate friday and saturday nights now. They were two nights I could absolutley guarentee doing something with John... but now.. meh. I find myself avoiding organising things on those nights. avoiding people. I don't particulary want to go out. It's not something i find appealing. I hate going to the attic, wanting to dance with my female friends, and end up being touched and rubbed up against by random dudes who want a warm place to stick their dick that night, i hate it, I don't like the pubs, because they are filled with the same guys, in a more sober state. I guess it's quite anti social of me, and i can feel myself starting to draw back inside again. becoming wary, less trusting and reserved. I want things the way they were i guess. kinda. Ohh in other news, my ottoman & 2x2 book case arrived.... yay my flat looks great!! I bought a mirror to put over the book case and like 20 candles. My flat feels so cosy. visitors welcome, week nights only :) Going for a drive with brother dearest tonight. Gotta get my license soon. :) Take care and play safe kiddies! Current Location: the flat as per usual Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Hide & Seek - Movie

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January 14th, 2007

10:21 pm - My vow of celibacy (and other stories...) So.... I've had a few people ask my why I've taken this little vow of celibacy, so i guess i'll explain... it's not something new.... it's a little promise I made myself in September. Above and beyond everything, it's about respect. Respect I have for myself, and Respect that other people have for me. And yes, it is John who has triggered this all off. I think that sex confuses a situation. Especially from a females point of view, sex brings in other emotions, over-protectiveness, jealousy, lust etc. These are all emotions that don't particulary render a positive reaction from the opposite sex. In the relationships I've been in, where sex has come before any sort of 'serious relationship' has been established, I've fallen and fallen hard, (only to have my heart broken, time and time again.) It's seemed that they boy's i've been involved with felt the same. And i think i confuse reciprocation of those emotions with perhaps more simply me being their to give them what they want, when ever they want, and getting a pretty cushy ride at the same time with no real intent to stick around for the long haul. So since John and i ended, I sat back and had a long look at myself, and him, and previous relationships, and i think that i slept with them so quickly, as a way to reel them in. Get them to want me and like me, because my opinion of myself, and self esteem is so low, i felt this was the only way. I don't see myself as being desireable or wanted. I'm just me. Forever the best friend, never the girlfriend. That is why i guess i went out of my way to do everything possible to make john happy... spend $350 on him for a wrestling ticket, buy thousands of dollars worth of stereo gear for him, walk to Robco's at 4am for a  hot dog in the middle of winter, spend all day detailing his car..... I could continue the list for ever.... but the point is, no respect was won from him for it all, if there was, it wouldn't have ended the way it has. I was still treated like dirt, hidden away, and expected to be ready for him 24/7, at his beck and call. Relationships do not work like that. Life does not work like that. Perhaps if I had gotten to know John more before sleeping with him, then I wouldn't have even gone there. But, because we were intimate, I had all of these extra feelings inside my head, confusing the subject. Or perhaps if I had gotten to know John more, we'd be happy and still together, because he would have had to taken the time to get to know the real me to get into my pants. So this is where the vow comes into play. I am not going to sleep with another person until I am one hundred and 10 percent sure that they RESPECT me, and care for me. Support me & Listen to me. Until I know they love me, and they've shown this in more than just words. So that way, I can be sure I feel the same way, with out all of the emotion's that sex brings in. Sex should be special, shared with some one special. I know this now. If I had my time again, I would change everything. Making them wait, making me wait, will separate the Mr-Rights from the Mr Right-for-now's. If they respect me, and want me, the relationship will not be purely based around sex, thus doomed for failure from the start. They will wait for me. And hopefully, i'm worth the wait. SO in other news, I has a nice quiet weekend... on saturday  I  cooked fried gnocchi for my brother and his girlfriend then sat around watching movies while we dyed & cut his hair.... then had a lazy house cleaning day today....It was nice! Can't wait to get back to work 2morrow... relaunch of the restaurant on Tuesday, and i'm sure there'll be lot's to do!! yay! Speaking of work, we had Chippie Dave down on Wednesday, and sat up until 1am with him while he was doing reno's on the restaurant. He is one of the coolest men I know. So fun, and crazy, and retro, and honest, and real, and genuine.... plus, he makes a good conversation partner.... conversation's don't end up being just about him, or just about me.... it's good. Last time he was down we sat talking until the wee hours also, he was the first person I properly spoke to about John & I splitting - and he remembered!! He remembered ost of the conversation... much impressed! Anyways I'm off to add to my scrap book of Hotel ideas.... I've given myself a goal of having my own place in 18-24 months... fingers crossed eh? I'll hire my brother as my business partner, and Simone as my head front office girl, and Dave as my carpenter... and Mark as my techie! :) Take Care... Car xx Current Location: the flat.. as per usual Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: nowt, dude where's my car DVD

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